ccrea.us - a little humor page

Cobb County Retired Employees Association - ccrea.us

something we hope will make you smile...

Four retirees were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without any argument from their wife be able to go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play around.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority, we can figure out a way to meet here early Christmas morning."
A couple of months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the extended cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new sports car, reading the manual." I don't even think she knows I'm gone.
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I just slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either around of sex or around of golf,
and she said... “Have a great time, and don’t forget to take a sweater!”
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I was out shopping and needed to use the restroom.
Just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?” Embarrassed... I said, “I’m alright!!"
The voice said, "So what are you up to?” I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!”
Then I hear, “Can I come over?” Annoyed... I said “Excuse me?!?!."
Then the voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"
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A 65 year old goes to the doctor? After the examination the doctor says, "Clyde, you're in remarkable shape.
I don't even have any suggestions. Just curious, how old was your father when he passed away?"
Clyde says, "What, my father died?"
The doctor responds, “No, I just figured at your age, but I’m not surprised. How old is he?”
Clyde quips, “He’s 85.” Doc says,, “OK, how old was your grandfather when he passed?”
Clyde, with a look of surprise asks, “What, papaw died?” The doctor is incredulous.
“You’re grandfather is alive too, amazing. How old is he?” Well, he’s 105 and he’s why I’m getting my physical.
I have to fly out to his wedding. He’s marrying a 25 year old.”
Doc says, “Why in the world would a 105 year old want to marry a 25 year old?”
Clyde says with a wry smile, ”Who says he WANTED to?”
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
The bartender approaches the cowboy and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we were able to drink together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a minute, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next-door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
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A 63 year old woman went to the emergency room where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the young doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.
After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What's wrong with you?" he demanded;
This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren,
and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner...unannounced at 7:30 p.m. after work.
As soon as they walk through the door, his wife pulls the man aside, and starts yelling at him:
'My hair and make-up are not done, I look terrible, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pajamas and don't even get me started about how I'm not willing to cook at this moment!
How could you possibly bring him home without telling me first?! Huh?! Why would you do that?'
The friend listens and is left speechless.
The husband calmly responds to his wife: 'He wants to marry his girlfriend and I promised him a demo.'
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A young newlywed couple wanted to save money for a month long vacation. So every time they made love,
the husband would put a $5.00 bill into an empty tissue box by the bed. Eventually the box was full,
so the husband emptied it out, eager to see how much they had saved. However, when he saw the pile of bills
on the night table, there were 20’s, 50’s, and even a few $100 bills in the pile! He asked his wife,
what are these? She looked at him and replied, “What, you think everyone is as cheap as you are?!!!
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An elderly man owned a large farm with a very nice pond that was located way in the back, in the privacy of the woods.
It was properly shaped for a proper swimming hole, and the water was always flowing so it was fresh and clear.
The Farmer had fixed up the area with picnic tables, a horseshoe court, and several fruit trees and
provided easy access to the pond for the community to enjoy the swimming hole.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the swimming pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while.
He had taken along a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping.
Being the gentleman he was, he made his presence known and the young women moved to the deep end.
One of the young women shouted to him “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond”.
Holding up the bucket, he said… “I’m just here to feed the alligator!”

Some old men can still think fast.

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It seems that the older we get,
the fewer things we find are worth waiting in line for.
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I was discussing the plans for the upcoming service with our Pastor when his young
daughter rushed in crying her eyes out. “What’s wrong dear?” He asked as he bent down to console her.
“Billy broke my doll” she sobbed. “And how did Billy break your doll darling?” the pastor asked.
his sweet little child responded between sobs…
”I hit him over the head with it.”

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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "if the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence then the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."
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Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their shopping carts around
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, no harm done.
It's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, well endowed...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts, and what does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, it doesn't matter,
let's just look for yours."
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I was eating breakfast with my teenaged Granddaughter
and I asked her, "What special day is it tomorrow?”
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman's Day!”
She's so smart, so I asked her and "What does that mean?"
I was not ready for what she was about to say.
She replied, "U.S. Congressman's Day is when they
step out of the Capital Building and if they see
their shadow, we will have 4 more years of Bull Shit.”

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
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These MEN are installing steel pillars in concrete to stop vehicles from parking on
the pavement outside a Sports Bar downtown.
They are now in the process of cleaning up at the end of the day and anxious to go home.
How long do you think it'll be before they realize where they parked their truck?

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"You never surprise me!" a woman moaned one day to her long-suffering husband.
"Buy me a surprise for my birthday."
"Something that can accelerate from 0 to 180 in under 4 seconds,
and I would prefer it in blue," she hinted.
Happy and excited, she was counting down the days to her birthday.
Finally, the special day arrived and she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her.
He's dead now, but to his friends, he died a legend.
.....

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Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked,
'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that
they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....
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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the
car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backwards, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange
look and said, (this is going to hurt, but read on)
"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
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Husband : My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: It changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with
the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,
moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.
It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, and weather Tech floor mats.
Towing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite
radio, Cobra 75WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4
power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom
retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck
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My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model
car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her
down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.
"I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need
a driver's license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"
That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and
asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the
drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste
basket, saying,'You won't need this anymore'.
So I thanked him and left!
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A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
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Sean was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday
for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Sean looked up again and said, 'Never mind Lord, I found one.'
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
he obituary that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
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Sex after surgery
A recent article in the daily post reported that Dave Harper has sued St Paul’s hospital
saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:
Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.
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Happy New Year
At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great regularity,
I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about
drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have
had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social
session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple
of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been
slightly over the legal limit, I did something I've never done before ~
I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block,
but since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise,
since I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it
or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
Happy New Year!
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As I have grown older,
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake
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Husband walks in on wife watching a cooking show on tv and says
"I don't know why you waste your time watching that,
you still can't cook worth a darn..."
wife looks at husband and says
"and I don't understand why you watch porn...".
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Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:

To my son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
To my daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
To my son, "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
and to "Ruth, my dearest wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away,
the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated
all this property".

Sarah replies, "what property? .... the schmuck had a paper route!"
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'about average.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, she must be good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Then why in the world do you want to marry her?'
'Because she can still drive!'
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door
was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..
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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking iced tea is not a good thing, I said.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation lately.
When I say something about it, she reponds "that she was only thinking of me",
and then suggests that I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this for awhile and then I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. She replied, "Are you nuts?
You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and had e-mailed her a copy of it.
Almost immediatley after we had hung up she telephoned me back,
"Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble now; I really don't know what to do.
I signed up and prepaid for five jumps a week for six weeks."
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Recently single, I moved back to my hometown hoping to start over again.
A few weeks later, I went to the dentist and was surprised to see that I recognized
the dentist’s name as a good looking boy from my high school 30 years ago.
However, upon walking into the dentist’s office, I quickly realized he must be someone else.
This person was bald, had a big beer belly, and looked a lot older than me.
But just to be sure though, I asked him if he had attended the local high school which I had attended.
“Yeah”, he replied, “I graduated in 84.”
“Oh my gosh”, I excitedly said “you were in my class.”
“Really”, he said that’s interesting. “what class did you teach?”
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While working at the local post office, a lady barged in complaining that she got home to find a note
from the mail person stating that she had a package, but no one was at home to accept delivery.
I will have you know that my husband was home all day, she fumed.
After giving her the package I heard her tell someone on her way out that she was so excited,
her husband’s new hearing aids had just arrived.
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During jury selection a local judge asked the perspective jurors if
there were any reasons they could not serve on the jury?
One of the perspective jurors spoke up saying they did not want to be
away from their job that long.
The judge responded, and you really don't think they can do without you?
The perspective juror responded back, Yes, I know they can,
I just don't want them to know it....
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A recent study has found that women,
who carry a little extra weight,
live longer then do the men who mention it….
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A young man finds the woman of his dreams but before he asks her to marry him
he feels he should introduce her to his mother.
He tells his mother he wants her to meet the woman of his dreams but he would
like to make a bit of a game out of it.
He says he will bring his intended over with two other women to see if his mother
can guess which one he wants to marry.
His mother agrees to the game and that night he shows up with 3 beautiful young women.
They all sit down to dinner and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to
know each other. The young man makes a point of not focusing in on any one of the ladies.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, "OK mom, which one is
the one I want to marry?"
Without any hesitation, his mother replies, "The one in the middle."
The young man is astounded. How in the world did you figure it out?
I was so careful not to show any favoritism to any of the ladies.
The mother said it was easy..."I didn't like her."
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
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At a local grocery store a man observed a woman with a three year old girl in her shopping basket.
As soon as they reached the cookie isle the little girl started asking for cookies and her mother told her “No”.
The little girl started to whine and fuss about wanting cookies and the mother said quietly,
“now Monica, we just have half of the isles to go through – don’t be upset. It won’t be long now.”

Soon they came to the candy isle and the little girl began to shout for candy.
When the mother told her that she could not have any, she began to cry.
The mother gently said, “there , there, Monica. Don’t cry – we only have two more isles to go through
and then we will be checking out.

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum
when the mother told her no.
The mother said serenely, “Monica, we will be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes
and then we can go home and take a wonderful nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped to compliment the young woman on how impressed
he was with her parenting skills and how patient she was with little Monica.
The mother replied, “well thank you,.. but I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
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A police officer in a small town stopped an out of state motorist who was speeding down main street.
“But Officer,” the man began, “I can explain.” “Just be quite,” snapped the officer.
“But officer, I Just wanted to say,” “And I told you to be quite. Since you don’t seem to be able
To follow instructions, I think you can cool your heels in the city jail until the chief gets back.”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said “you are one lucky fellow,
The chief is at his daughter’s wedding and will be in a great mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. I’m the groom….
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George was getting into bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened
the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation.
The dispatcher explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be
there when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called
you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've
just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance
showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!" George said, "and I thought you said there was nobody available...
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In the early 1930's when flying was still a novelty, a farmer and his wife went to a local fair
Where a pilot was demonstrating his flying skills and offering airplane rides.
The farmer was fascinated by the airplane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost?

The pilot replied it would cost $10.00. The farmer said that was too much.
The pilot thought for a second and told the farmer, I’ll make you a deal.
If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free.
But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $12.00.

The farmer and his wife agreed and they went for a ride. For 3 minutes, the pilot did loops and spins
with nary a sound from the back. After the pilot landed he congratulated the farmer
For not making a sound, you truly are a brave man.

Maybe so, said the farmer, but I gotta tell ya, "I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant,
have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was ' Always'.
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
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There are two theories on arguing with a woman.
Neither one works.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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A man was telling his neighbor 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
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The preacher had a question for the congregation of the church.
"I say there is no such thing as a perfect woman.
If anybody has ever known a perfect woman,
please raise your hand." As the preacher expected, no one reacted.
The preacher then asked,"is there anybody who has known a perfect man?"
Albert, an elderly gentleman raised his hand.
The preacher somewhat surprised at the response, asked again.
"Are you sure you have known an absolutely perfect man?"
Albert replied, "Yes’um, I didn’t know him personally,
but I have heard such a great deal about him
and how perfect he was. He was my wife’s first husband."
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During a recent password audit, a company found an employee using
the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hellllloooooo!
The IT Guys said it has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!."
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A Texas Chili Cook-Off
This is an account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in San Antonio City Park Texas.
Note: Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. The other two judges (Native Texans)
assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting plasterd from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods,
not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers
makes a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
I believed I messed on myself when I passed gas and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
I know my pants must be filled full of hot lava.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's just too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge #3 passed out. He fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day !
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster....
They rode anything and everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant... my Dress Size,.

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
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A Wife buys a dozen underwear of the same color for her husband.
The husband protests saying "Why did you buy me all the same color?
People will think I never change my underwear!"
Wife asked, "Which people?"
And there was total silence…..
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A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she was using the ATM 'thingy on the computer... but it just did not seem to be working.'
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A man was driving around the back woods of Montana, and saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He knocked on the door and the owner appeared, telling him the dog is in the backyard.
The man walked into the backyard and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asked.
"Yep," the Lab replied.
After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he wanted for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the owner replied.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
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Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. though they were far from rich,
they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.though not young, they were both in very good
health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

however, one day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday vacation and their plane
crashed, sending them off to heaven.
they reached the pearly Gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. he took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in
gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. a maid could be seen hanging
their favorite clothes in the closet. they gasped in astonishment when he said, 'welcome to heaven. this will be your
home now.' Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to coSt. 'why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is
your reward in heaven.

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever
built on earth. 'what are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'this is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'you can play for free, every day.'

next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. this is heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne, 'well, where are the low fat, low cholesterol and
high fiber foods?
'that's the best part,' St. Peter replied.'you can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick.
this is heaven and all is blessed.

'no gym to work out at?' said Tony
'not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'no testing my sugar or blood pressure...'
'never again'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'you and your bran flakes. we could have been here ten years ago!'
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an amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for thier very first time.
they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart
and then slide back together again.
the young boy asked, "what is this, father?"
the father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is.
while the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the
moving walls and pressed a button. the walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
the walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
they continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.
the father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ..."go get your mother."
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an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
he went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed
the gentleman to hear 100%.
the elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'your hearing is perfect..
your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
the gentleman replied, 'oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. so far I've changed my will three times!'
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hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
however, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed
and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
after a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
on the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
i don't know,' he said. 'she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
a few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
a couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'you're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'just doing what you said, doc: 'get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
the doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'you've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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